Urgh…

I’m in a dark place right now. Feeling stalled in my weight loss efforts, I recently decided to work with a heath coach. For almost two weeks I tried thinking about food in a different way; to see it as fuel for my body as opposed to…what? My personal drug of choice? During those two weeks (really it was only 10 days!) I wrote down everything I ate. I was intentional about spacing out my meals. I planned and prepared. I was focused and determined. I started to believe I could actually live this way. And then, just as quickly, I knew that I couldn’t. And I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is that instead of going back to how I was eating right before I tried this new way of thinking about food, my eating has since spiraled out of control. I understand that the kid in me is acting out in retaliation for the perceived restrictiveness of my eating during those two weeks. But understanding isn’t helping at the moment. During the past two years I’ve lost 18 pounds but in recent days I’ve gained several of them back. And 18 is just not that big of a number…it feels like it could evaporate in a blink of an eye. And that thought terrifies me.

This is what I know. I have a finite amount of energy and attention. If I focus too much on losing weight it messes with the rest of my life. Somehow I get less invested in my workouts and less courageous with experimenting with my life. Making radical changes to how I approach food feels restrictive which is the exact opposite of how I want to feel right now. What I want to feel is expansive and embracing and open. At the same time, I have to get a handle on my eating. I feel like I’m starting over and that sucks. But this time the path is not new. I know the way. Despairing doesn’t help. I just have to restart.

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