Twice in the last three days I have found myself not wanting to do anything in particular and therefore choosing, by default, just to be for a few minutes. The first time was on Saturday. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous – low humidity, sunny, just barely warm. Earlier in the day I had had a session with my trainer, ran steps at a neighborhood park, mowed the lawn, completed a blog post, read, watched something on Hulu and then…well, there just wasn’t anything else I really wanted to do. So, I just sat in an armchair and enjoyed the beautiful light and stillness for a while.
It happened again tonight. I came home from an uneventful day at work, had dinner in front of the TV and found myself once again not wanting to do anything in particular. I rejected going to bed super early – it was only 8 o’clock! Instead I found myself drawn to my front porch so there I sat on the top step barely protected from the steady rain, in the deepening darkness, drinking sweet wine from a ceramic sake cup. And just being.
I think this may be a good sign. For the last two years I confess to feeling chased by time. If I was going to have the kind of life I wanted, even if I wasn’t sure what that would look like, well then I had a lot of lost time to make up for. Every day that I didn’t spend getting fitter was a day I was just growing old. Every day that passed without my trying something new or pushing myself out of my comfort zone, meant that I was stagnating and not taking advantage of a day that would never come again. Even to my own eyes and ears, this seems a little desperate.
There are a lot of moments to fill when you are single. I’m doing a better job than in the past with filling many of them with people and activities that truly nourish me. But that still leaves plenty of other moments to fill. If I’m honest, my issues with food may have something to do with my not wanting to come face to face with those unfilled moments as eating can be a great distraction.
One day I hope to fill even more moments in meaningful ways. But I like the fact that as I work towards that day, at least for a few minutes at a time, I can be still. That I can be alone and simply enjoy the sunshine or the rain.