You know how people say that, deep down, you already know the answer when grappling with a difficult decision? I wish there was a Part B to this piece of collective wisdom because while I want to hear my inner voice, I’m not sure exactly how to do that. Like other great advice I’ve received lately, going from theory to practice is the kicker.
No, I’m not being honest. The truth is that I can hear my inner voice just fine in this particular situation…I just don’t like what I’m hearing!!!
I’ve been presented with an opportunity where I could learn a skill over the next several months with the strong likelihood of good employment at the end. It’s what I thought I wanted. There are many positive things about choosing this path – I would be learning from a highly respected veteran in the field; it would be a class of just one (me!); I would learn a skill that I could feel good about and that, moving forward, would provide flexibility in regards to how I structure my working life. Choosing this opportunity, if offered, would fit into the timetable that I set for myself last spring. All in all, it calls to me like a beautifully wrapped gift. But when I picture myself actually going down this road, each and every time I suddenly find it difficult to breathe. I hate that what I thought I wanted has ended up being not what I want at all; in fact it has unexpectedly turned into a “should” and I know that rarely is it a good idea to follow one’s “shoulds.”
It doesn’t help that the alternative path is one great big question mark. The only thing I can think of to do is to start paying attention again to what makes me feel alive and to what brings me closer to living the kind of life I want to live, even if I’m not yet sure exactly what that life looks like. I confess that when I step back, it all feels overwhelming. So I have to start small. Luckily, that is something I know how to do.