I know this probably sounds ridiculous but I want to have a “good” cry and I just can’t. I mean it; it has been years. I feel like I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat – watching a sad movie, out of frustrating when my (then) husband didn’t understand me or wasn’t giving me what I needed, listening to a touching segment on the radio, or simply feeling strongly about anything. However, in the last five years alone I’ve lost both my parents, had disappointments, had to say goodbye to many people I care about, have dealt with the uncertainty of change and transition, and have come face-to-face with aging. And yet, no tears!
Long ago I heard that tears are a sign that you’ve touched upon some fundamental truth and I totally believe this to be true. So even though crying can at times be inconvenient (for example, while trying to explain to your boss why you deserve a raise), can appear a sign of weakness, or make you feel vulnerable, what can possibly be more human or important than feeling and expressing one’s truth?
Earlier this week I went to see a Polarity therapist for the first time. The surface reason for going was because I’ve been having chronic pain in my right shoulder and arm for the last few months and conventional medicine hasn’t helped yet. (The next step on that road is an MRI and possibly surgery so you can understand my hesitancy to continue in that direction.) On a deeper level I’ve become curious about energy work and I’ve been trying, over these last many months, to follow anything that arouses my curiosity. Polarity therapy, from what I understand so far, is an intuitive process where the therapist works to release areas of energy blockage through hands-on touch therapy. As the therapist works, she occasionally speaks about what she’s discovering and invites you to share any feelings/thoughts/images that might occur. I was surprised by what came to me during our hour together and the quickness with which we got to some of my core issues. But the most surprising thing was how close I came to actually crying! When I mentioned how I’ve had this need to cry for so long but have been unable to do so, she said that in addition to tears being a wonderful release they also have a positive effect on your internal organs. It’s difficult for me to wrap my head around that idea but it kinda feels like it could be true.
Needless to say, I’ve made another appointment. Maybe I’ll get lucky both in terms of getting relief from my physical pain but also in my ability to let go and feel things I’ve clearly been keeping under lock and key. In the meantime, can anyone recommend a really sad movie or book? I mean it!