Yesterday while doing yard work, I had the strangest sensation. I no longer felt like the “me” that I’ve always been. It was as if all the many changes I’ve made during these last few years suddenly reached a critical mass and poof!…old Caren gone and new Caren here. Like a snake who has shed its old skin revealing new skin beneath.
The sensation was disorienting but empowering. I wanted to change my life and by golly I have. I’ve thrown financial security out the window. I’ve chosen to believe I have something valuable to offer people. No supporting cast, no back-up band – just me. And I’ve altered, much of the time, how I choose to perceive the world. So, not only have I shed my skin but I’ve altered my vision as well.
Suddenly, I was hit with the urge to change how I look. How can I continue to look the same when I feel so different on the inside? There and then I decided to cut my hair really, really short. Just thinking about it is both terrifying and thrilling. Maybe that’s the point. We’ll see if I’m still feeling brave when my hair appointment arrives in two weeks.
In my bedroom I have a star-shaped golden cardboard box. Inside are two pieces of blue paper upon which are written the following:
- Infinite Spirit, send me a sign. Show me the next best use of my gifts and talents; and
- My perfect new path is already selected and will arrive at the right time. I’ll be shown the steps to receive it.
My prayers (and they were prayers, weren’t they?) have been answered in ways I never could have imagined. Not that it has been easy. Far from it! But I’m no longer sleep walking. And I have moments when I’m actually okay with who I am. And that’s all I’ve ever really wanted. The me that I’m now, the one with the tender new skin, feels like it’s time to write words on another piece of blue paper to put in the star-shaped golden cardboard box. This time it will be about love. It’s time…